Without You
by LyricsArePoetry
Summary: How Sephy feels without Callum
1. Chapter 1

-1A/N: I don't know if you reading it will find this that sad, but I almost cried writing it :S! Please R&R!

**Without You:**

**Sephy:**

I can't get you out of my mind Callum. Every time I close my eyes I see you there. I see you walking forward, head covered, then dropping down. I see you dying over and over and over. I can't get that image out of my head. I can't get the feeling of blame out of my mind. It was my fault. I could've saved you, but I didn't. I'm sorry, Callum, believe me I am _so _sorry. Each time I look at her, our baby I wish you were hear instead of it. I wish you were next to me smiling, laughing, staring me out with your cold grey eyes. I wouldn't even care if you were shouting at me telling me that what happened was all my fault, I could cope with that, I could cope with anything if you were here. Even if you hated me I think I could cope with that easier than I can cope with knowing I'm never going to see you ever again. Knowing I'm going to have to go through each and every day for years and years looking at our baby and know that if it had never existed you'd still be alive. I don't want to blame our baby, and I don't I blame Kamal - I can't bad to think of him as 'dad' not after everything - for making me make that decision but mostly I blame myself for making that decision. It was my decision that hung that noose around your neck and killed you. I don't blame out baby for your death, but I can't love it. I don't want to but I'm finding myself hating it, and that makes me hate myself even more. I hate it because it's part you and you're not here to love it. I hate myself for not loving it. For referring to it as 'it'. It's not an 'it' it's our daughter. Our Callie Rose. Our baby. Yours and my baby. Callie Rose McGregor. They wouldn't let me use your name though, because you aren't here to give the permission. Callie Rose Hadley. I can't look at her. I can't pick her up and rock her. I hate her but Callum I promise you I don't want to. I want to love her like I know you would if you were here. I want to make her happy, but…I don't even really know why I just hate her.

I wish you were here instead of me, Callum, you'd be a brilliant Dad. You'd never hate our daughter. You'd never, you just never would. I imagined what your expression would've been when you'd first seen her. I imagined you have a nervous, not-quite-sure-what-to-think look, and then you'd see her, and she'd be placed into your arms, and your expression would melt. You'd look down at her in your arms and just smile, nothing would be able to stop you from smiling. And if you'd be here to do that then nothing would've been able to stop me smiling either. But you aren't here, you weren't here to do here, so I'm not smiling. I'm crying. I can't stop crying. I can't stop wishing you were here with me, keeping me strong. I can't stop wishing she wasn't here and you were.

She looks like you. At least I think she is. Her skin isn't as light as yours, but not as dark as mine. She's somewhere in the middle, a mixture of us both. She has blue eyes, but her eyes speak volumes just like yours did. She has your brown hair, it's just a little tuff at the moment, but I guess it'll grow.

Why don't I have any warmth for her? Callum, why do I hate her? I'm talking about her, I'm telling you all about her, but there's no feeling behind it. It's just words, but it shouldn't be. She isn't just a thing, she's not an it, she's our daughter. My daughter. And it's my job to love and protect her. But I can't. I don't know what to do. Callum, I'm scared. So so scared Callum. I need you, I need you to hug me close and tell me it'll be ok. I need you to place Callie Rose into my arms and make me look at her. I need you to make me laugh like you used to. I need you, Callum. I need you so that I can love our baby. I don't know what to do without you. I don't know how I can love her. How do I love her? I look at her and see you, and wish it was you. I don't wish she was dead Callum. I just wish she'd never existed. I wish she'd never been here so that you were here instead. But mostly I wish you could both be here. I know then I'd love her. The world would give us hell but we'd get through it. We'd be happy and loving. I can't do that without you. Help me Callum. I need you. Callie Rose need you.

**A/N: Should I write more, or should I leave it there?**


	2. Chapter 2

_**Without You  
Chapter 2:**_

Meggie:

Callum, can you see her? Your baby girl. Your Callie Rose. Can you see her smile, Callum? She's just like you were as a baby. Sleeping all the wrong hours, and screaming just to be held. Can you hear her laugh, Callum? Such a sweet, carefree laugh. Just like you used to laugh, before everything got in the way of your innocence. I hope you can see her Callum. I know you'd love her, like Sephy can't. I know you'd care for her, love her and hold her just to feel her in your arms. I feel so helpless. I love Callie Rose, and I have to show her that I do, but I care for Sephy too, and I need to help her, but I don't know how. How can I make her love her daughter, when right now she won't even look at her? I don't know what to do, but Callum, I promise you I'll do something…

*_A few hours later_*

Sephy:

'Sephy?' Meggie called me as soon as I was through the front door. 'Come here a minute'

As I walked over to and sat on the sofa next to Meggie, I noticed she was holding Callie Rose in her arms. Callie was wriggling about, giggling slightly.

'Hold Callie' she said to me, and before I had chance to answer she placed Callie Rose into my arms. I stiffened slightly involuntarily as Callie started to wriggle about in my arms. I watched her closely, and I knew Meggie was watching me. Callie whimpered slightly and I froze.

_What was I doing wrong? Was I hurting her? Was I holding her wrong?_

I rocked her slowly on impulse. I moved my arm slightly to make sure I was supporting her head, and I realised how scared I was, and how scared I had been. I'd been scared to love her. I'd been scared to let go of Callum. I was still scared now. Scared of my baby getting hurt in this world. I could act all big and grown up but the fact was I was still a kid. I was nothing more than a little kid. But I had a child of my own to look after, and I had to protect her. She was the most important thing in the world. 50% me, 50% Callum and 100% Callie. She was now peacefully in my arms and I knew I would never let anything hurt her. I realised there and then how much I loved her, even though I'd thought I hadn't.

'I'm sorry, Callie' I whispered into her ear, and gently started singing Rainbow Child.

_A/N: Sorry this chapter is so short I wanted to put something else after chapter 1, and this was all I could think off. Please R&R!_


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